If there is one thing you can learn from what you are about to read, it is to never ever have your asshole waxed.
I’d rather take a bullet than to have to go through that torturous ordeal again. Just thinking about it makes my private back pocket shrivel up and crawl into itself like scared mussel. I know I don’t make much sense so lets start at the beginning and work our way up to this nightmare in ‘Heaven’.
Pop and I had to lay low for a couple of weeks after a job we had to take care of in the south of the country. It looked simple, it was simple, but the guy who’s brain we gave some air holes had a mistress who arrived unannounced in just a fur coat. She started screaming bloody murder. Me and Pop do appreciate a nice firm body so instead of killing her we tied her up and left. This soft spot created a whole lot of trouble for us. Instead of being grateful to still be alive the mistress sans clothes started blabbermouthing. Before we knew it we had the whole Dutch police force on our tail. Not that they are the cleverest bunch of people on this planet, but there are still a lot of them fuckers around. So what to do and where to go?
Hot Naked Chicks
It probably wasn’t coincidence that we stumbled upon this amazing looking spa. With that firm hot body of the mistress still on our mind we decided to check into this pleasure center called ‘Heaven’ and hole up for a week or so. Looking forward to some hot naked chicks, we paid for a week in advance and dove into our new wet-hole. What we found was something altogether different.
At first I thought we’d walked into a nudist retirement home. There were lots of chicks there, sure, and all of them were above the age of 75. It was like visiting a granny farm for the uglies. I started to get worried that we wouldn’t fit in, but Pop pointed out some younger naked people near the pool. Good, so that problem was solved. At least for him it was. Looking just like Elvis, with his smooth and well trained body he fit right in. I on the other hand, with my body covered in a nice angora play suit, stuck out like a sore thumb. I needed to do something about this if we wanted to stay here a couple of days longer and blend in with them fuckers.
Warm and Wet
After having survived a mud bath – which felt like getting sucked in by quicksand – Pop slipped into some Hawaiian shorts, stole someone’s guitar and started singing beach movie Elvis tunes by the tropical swimming pool. It twas like a fuckin’ mind trip. Elvis alive and kicking, singin’and snarlin’ live in Heaven. He played his shriveled up naked audience like a pro. With every snarl he made they “oooohhhhed” and with with every lurid hip movement he showed them they ”aaaahhhed”. After the first set of songs all the women stood in line to stroke his big swollen ego. I thought it was pathetic. Some of them crazy wrinkle showcases even wanted to adopt him or marry him. Pop being Pop picked out the richest women and started a bidding war, making sure he got lots of goodies while doing it.
It was time for my ‘blend in’ treatment. A small Chinese woman who looked like a little paper doll showed me to a small room with just a bed. I smiled and lay down. Soft small hands started to massage my tense body. In no time I fell asleep. I was dreaming about Elvis collecting wrinkled handbags and pissing the old guys off. When I woke up I felt something warm and wet pressing against my asshole. I heard the small female voice asking me if I was alright. I mumbled that I was okay, trying to get the idea out of my head that a big dog was licking me. The next thing I know, something was ripping an extra hole in my ass. I screamed bloody murder and started howling for my mother.
Pain and Agony
I soon found out that Pop had booked me for a hair removal treatment for three hours so that I was fit to join him by the tropical pool. I thought that I was experienced in torture methods but this was a whole different ballgame. After the horrific ordeal with my ass this Chinese torture mistress started on my chest, removing a thick layer of black hair. I cried and screamed and told her things I never told anyone just so she would stop. After three hours of pure pain and agony it was over and with a sore but hairless body I was released. Before she closed the door she said she would see me again tomorrow for the follicle treatment. I ran.
In the end we had very little time to read. Pop was busy singing his Elvis repertoire in the tropical pool and I was busy hiding in the steam room from my Chinese torture mistress and her follicle torture, nursing a bruised body. I did meet a very old and very wrinkled librarian with boobs hanging down to her ankles who was completely into crime fiction and offered to write us some book reviews about titles that had just come out. Since there was a perpetual fog in the steam room and you couldn’t even see as far as your own dick,, I pretended she had the body of that perky mistress with the talking mouth we had left tight up earlier in the week. The old bird told me about her favourite titles and I was hanging on her every word. So instead of inventing the wheel twice, me and Pop decided we were gonna use her stuff. Truth be told, old wrinkle bag did a good job on the writing front. The only price I had to pay was the image of her naked body inked on my tender brain; something I will carry around with me forever and and ever and take into the grave. Anyway, this is what she had to say about the new titles she picked.
Nelly’s Crosby’s Cosy Review Corner
I think introductions are in order. I am Nelly Crosby, and whatever the boys have been writing about me it is a blatant lie. I am not some old bird, I am only 76 and for your information that is a youngster here in Heaven. Most of the people here are at least 78! Anyway this nice young man came up to me in the steam room, and I noticed he had been crying so I just talked to him to make him feel a little better. I think his little epilation session had been a teeny bit more painful than he’d expected. These young people now adays have such a low pain threshold. I gave birth to 6 children I know what I am talking about. Anyway he asked me to type you up some hot and exiting crime reviews, and since I’m always looking for ways to fill my time here in Heaven, I was happy to oblige the poor man.
Even as a little girl, yes long long ago, my favorite book was The Count of Monte Cristo written by Alexander Dumas. Now master storyteller Jeffrey Archer has written a modern version of this classic and I must say what a page turner it is.
When the illiterate Danny Carthwright goes out to celebrate his engagement with his fiancee and soon to be brother in law the evening will turn in a nightmare. Danny and his brother in law get into a fight with four upperclass Cambridge students and Danny’s brother in law dies. Framed for the murder of his brother in law, he is thrown into jail while the real murderer is still at large. In prison he meets Nick who helps Danny to read and write. Eventually Danny gets out of prison in a very special way and is dead set on revenge.
This wonderful, devious debut from Andrew is full of delicious plot twists and psychological conundrums. It is the story of Adam Woods, fresh out of college, who comes to Venice planning to write a novel. When a day job as a tutor falls through, he finds a psition as assistant to reclusive Gordon Crace, an English novelist who wrote one best-seller and then disappeared. Crace is creepy and manipulative and tells Adam that he doesn’t want his authorial life to even be mentioned. Their relationship is tenuous, claustrophobic and downright unnerving. When Woods’ own novel is going nowhere, he decides to secretly write Crace’s biography and to find out what dark secret is caused him to stop writing altogether. The more we learn about these two men who hide their secrets from each other, the more the creep factor increases. Wilson subtly introduces doubt in us, the reader, as to Woods’s reliability and character before delivering some potent final plot twists. Fans of classic Hitchcock will be richly rewarded. Wilson is a major new talent in the psychological thriller genre.
In this 22nd installment of his Alex Delaware series, Jonathan Kellerman serves up all the elements we love about his books, clear crisp writing, an intruiging plot, great regular characters, a diabolical bad guy, and a sense of justice at the end of the story.
This time LA psychologists Alex Delaware and his detective friend Milo Sturgis are investigating several bizarre murders: A tipsy young woman seeking aid on a desolate highway who disappears into the night; a retired schoolteacher who is stabbed to death in broad daylight; two women who are butchered after closing time in a small-town beauty parlor. The only thing these crimes seem to have in common is the make of expensive black automobile used by their perpetrator. Soon enough Alex and Milo are on the trail of this elisive shape shifting killer that even lures them from LA all the way to Now York. There is also a subplot about a young boy who has been missing for years which seems to be linked to the other crimes. Compulsion is fast paced, tightly plotted, and great read. Actually it is one of his best books in the last couple of years.
Other new titles that are worth a look are: